Queeries with Cecil Chik

​My name is Cecil Chik and I like to make people laugh. I was born in Hong Kong and my family immigrated to the United States in 1989. I currently work at Stetson University and serve as the Director of Diversity and Inclusion. I’ve also dabbled in being a math teacher and mental health counseling. I live with my wife, Nicole and our spunky cat, Okie Dokie. 

Coming Out

• What was your coming out experience like?

Coming out has been something that I’ve been doing a good portion of my life. I guess the most memorable experience was when I came out to myself. I always knew I was different than my friends but didn’t know what it was. I didn’t have the language or the knowledge. So one day in like 7th or 8th grade, I was in sex ed class and the lady that was presenting very nonchalantly said “sometimes boys like boys and girls like girls.” My life was changed forever! I remember going home and pacing back and forth in my room with this information. Is is true? Do I like girls like my sisters like boys? Should I tell someone? Can I tell someone? So finally, I worked up enough courage and went to my sister’s room. She was the first person I came out to. I told her I’m gay and she said something along the lines of  “Finally! It’s about time you figured it out!” And that was the first person I came out to. Ever since then I’ve come out to my family, friends, work, etc. It’s a process that never ends. We live in a very heteronormative society, people will always assume that you’re going to be in opposite sex relationship. It’s a decision that I make sometimes, whether or not I want to ‘go there’ at the grocery store today. Do I correct this person that assumed I got pickled ginger for my husband or just smile and nod and keep it moving? The answer for me: it really depends on the day and how I feel.

• In what ways do you still have to “come out”? What was the hardest part of coming out? 

Coming out for me has become easier and easier. When I was younger I felt the need to hide and not engage in anything LGBTQ+ related. I can reflect back on it now and say that it was internalized homophobia, I was afraid to be gay. I didn’t come out to my parents until my junior year in college. Coming out isn’t as big of a gesture as it was when I was younger. I don’t feel the need to explicitly say to them “I’m gay!” Instead, coming out is a little more covert. I don’t mean like I’m hiding it, it’s more natural I guess. People ask me about my life or they’ll talk about a topic and inevitably my wife will come up. She’s a pretty big part of my life. So a simple sentence like  “My wife and I…” is essentially coming out.
The hardest part of coming out for me has been the ‘coming out’ to my family and closest friends. It’s a process for them too. My parents will inevitably get questions about their eldest daughter and they have to decide to tell people that I’m married to a woman or keep it moving. My grandparents have resolved to view my marriage with Nicole as an ancient Chinese tradition of a “committed sisterhood” which I guess if you really think about it (really hard), sure why not! When I was younger it used to bother me that they didn’t see my relationships like they saw my sisters’. It was a process and we have all learned and grown. I have learned that there are some battles worth fighting and some you just don’t. Communication and education is important but most importantly, don’t give up on them.

• Were there people that surprised you with their reactions?

Haha yeah! I’ve had someone once offer to take me to a psychologist when I was in high school. I’m not sure if they meant like they thought I needed help or they thought I needed someone to speak to.  Then there were people that didn’t think anything of it and just kept it moving. Self confidence and self worth has definitely helped. I’m not saying that the risk of rejection isn’t scary or when someone puts me down because of my sexual orientation isn’t hurtful, I’ve learned to not take those things as personally. Its’ really more telling of them than it is of me.

• Was there any moment or person that helped you decide to come out?

In the beginning, the lady from sex ed class. Lol she gave me the words and the knowledge. Now that I knew, I couldn’t ignore it. But what keeps me doing it, what pushes me to continue the type of work that I do is representation. How great would it have been for me to have been able to have met an openly gay Chinese female?! I do what I do so that the ‘Little Cecil’s’ of the world know that it’s cool to be them too.

• Do you feel different once you come out? How?

When I first came out I did. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. As I continued to come out to more friends and family, I gained more self confidence and self worth. It felt good to be myself 100% of the time everywhere I went. When I was younger, I’d hesitate to share. Now...I don’t really care as much. I’m happily married and everyone can suck it!

• What are some of the craziest questions you’ve ever been asked?

I haven’t encountered crazy questions besides creative ways that people have tried to ask “Who’s the man and who’s the woman in you relationship?” Let me tell you, that’s a crowd favorite. I have encountered more crazy behaviors. When my wife and I would go out, people always assume since I dress more masculine and am taller that I’m the ‘man’ of our relationship. And in our society, if you’re the man then you’re the decision maker and the bread winner, right? So we’ve been to restaurants where the waitstaff will ignore my wife. One time, I had a waiter who looked to me to confirm that it’s OK for my wife to order an appetizer. I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say or do. Now THAT is some crazy s*#t!

• If you had the chance to give advice to yourself when you first came out, what would you say?

I would totally tell myself to calm down and that you’re on the right path. I’d encourage myself to be more patient and compassionate. I’d tell myself that I’m enough and that you have to trust yourself to get to where you need to get. Everything happens for a reason so just hang tight and enjoy the ride.

Orientation and Gender Identity

• What is your sexual orientation?

GAY! Lol I identify as a lesbian or a gay female

• How did you discover your orientation?

Middle School sex ed (I’m convinced the lady saw me in the back and said it quickly specifically for me)

• What is your gender identity?  

I identify as female but my gender expression is more androgynous. So if your gender identity is how you identify your gender, then your gender expression is how you communicate that or how others might receive it from you. My gender expression is neither nor. I wear masculine clothing but often times will have some feminine mannerisms.

• What does transgender mean to you?

Lol I can give you the textbook definition that I use in training. “Transgender is an umbrella terminology used to identify those whose gender identity does not align with their biological sex.” So biological sex is anatomy and physiology stuff and gender identity is your personal sense of your own gender. If they don’t align (what’s in between your legs don’t match how you identify) then you might identify as transgender. I should also take this moment to PSA that there’s more than just male and female when it comes to gender. Let that percolate for a bit!

Acceptance

• What are some of the biggest misconceptions you face?

Overall, the idea that my relationship is different than a straight/hetrosexual relationship. In my mind, I think I’m so normal. I met someone and we fell in love. We work hard on developing a relationship built on trust and communication. We have our ups and downs but she’s still the one for me. People are so fixated on the gender of the person I do all these things with but never on the fact that I do those things too.

• Have you tried to change your orientation in hopes of “fitting in”?

Nope! Fitting in has never been my style lol.

• How does prejudice manifest in your life on a regular basis whether covert or overt?

Well being a Chinese, lesbian, immigrant prejudice shows it’s face on many levels in my life. I think there are lots of assumptions that are made about me constantly. I don’t fit into stereotypes and honestly I love it. I don’t wake up every morning and think “How can I throw off our heteronormative society today?” I just want to be happy. So to do that, I have learned to develop patience and compassion. When someone assumes I have a boyfriend or compliment me on how well I speak English when they find out I was born in Hong Kong, I smile and take a deep breathe. I either correct them or sometimes, I choose to keep it moving. Gotta learn to pick your battles.

• Do people treat you differently in casual interactions because of your orientation?

Not anymore! I also don’t put up with it. If you find out something about me and start treating me differently, it speaks more about you than it does about me. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life! #ByeFelicia

• Do you feel loved?

I am surrounded by an abundance of love and support everyday and I won’t accept anything less for myself.

• Do you love yourself?

Yeah I do! If you ask my wife and close friends, they might argue that I love myself a little too much. Hey, you gotta be your  biggest cheerleader, right?

• Have you noticed a difference between how people treat you before versus after you come out to them?

Yes, a lot more than I was younger. Not as much now. I also feel like society has conditioned us to believe that overt prejudice is a bad thing, which makes you a bad person. Since no one wants to be a bad person, everyone has learned to keep that stuff to themselves. Notice how I didn’t say people haven’t learned not to be prejudice.

Family Life

• Are you out to your family? If so, how did it go? If not, what is preventing you from doing so?

I am out to my family. It was a gradual process. We had to learn how to navigate this together. I came out to my parents in 2007 and it went well. I was kind of shocked that it went well. Like I said earlier, my parents had some trouble navigating the social aspect of having an LGBTQ+ child but we got there.  Chinese culture is very gendered. The language and customs are designed to differentiate male and female down to interpersonal relationships. They have been trying to navigate which customs to follow with Nicole and I for our wedding. I appreciate that they just finally decide to ask and let us decide. I am very grateful for all the ways that my parents have supported me thus far in my life.  I was putting it off and putting it off because I was scared. I didn’t know how they would react and I didn’t want them to reject me or kick me out. I don’t like that I thought the worst of my parents and many other members of my family. I assigned them a reaction and told the ones that I knew were safe. I don’t regret doing it because I wanted to feel secure in who I was first. But the support and love that I’ve received from my family has been the best thing in my life besides the love of my wife.

• What is it like to raise a child while being a member of the LGBTQ+ community?

Nicole and I currently don’t have children but we plan to. We’ve looked into different ways to conceive. The process definitely takes “family planning” to a whole other level.

Faith and Sexuality

• How have you navigated religion as a part of the LGBTQ+ community?

I started going to church with my parents when I was in elementary school. We went to a Chinese Baptist church. I didn’t understand organized religion. To me, church was the place that I went to choir practice and had vocal lessons. That’s how I spent about 5-6 years with religion. I learned to pray and sing gospel and hymns. But I was too young to really understand what was going on. It wasn’t until high school that I learned being a member of an LGBTQ+ community and Christianity didn’t mix. Westboro Baptist Church came to protest my high school when I was in the 10th grade. Things aren’t scary until they happen to you. You don’t feel fear until it happens to you. That day, fear happened to me. I remember a little boy with blonde hair, polo shirt, and khaki shorts holding a sign that reads, “This Way To Hell” with an arrow pointing to my school. I disassociated from Christianity after that. Just like how they generalized me, I generalized them. It wasn’t until my junior year in college that I went back to church again. I had a mentor/supervisor/friend that offered to bring me to her church. I was nervous but I went. I really enjoyed it. It gave me hope again. It helped restore my faith. I went every week for like 2-3 years. Then the pastor of the church passed away and another pastor took their place. One Sunday, like any other Sunday, I went to church. A deacon came up to pray just like we did every sunday. But this Sunday it was different. This Sunday he prayed for those “struggling with homosexuality and cancer.” I couldn’t believe it. I looked up and took a look around. No one was noticed he said that. No one else cared. No one else was appalled that in one breathe he prayed for gay people AND those with a potentially terminal illness. I took my bible and I left church that day. I got in my car and drove off. Before I got to the end of the road I decided that I would not leave half way. I refuse. So I went back. I sat in the back, listened to the sermon, and then I left. I haven’t returned to that church since.  Then my best friend, Dave, and I went on a church tour of Central Florida. We researched and looked up LGBTQ+ affirming churches. We went to dozens of churches. We found many. The journey itself was enough to help us feel safe again, to help us feel hope again.

• Do you feel like you’ve been able to embrace both your faith and LGBTQ+ identity?

Most certainly. To me identifying as a Christian is the same as identifying as gay or Chinese. I have taken the journey through doubt and discovery. I can say that I feel secure in embracing both.

• What advice would you give to another LGBTQ+ individual that is navigating their sexual and/or gender identity and faith?

A church is just a building with people. The people are what  can make or  break your experience. Just like how there are people in this world that you don’t get along with, there are going to be church groups that you don’t get along with. The beauty of this is that you can just go find another and the rest can suck it. Also don’t lose hope.

Rights and Opportunities

• Have you ever been shut out of an opportunity due to your orientation/identity?

Yeah! The most hard hitting and memorable one for me was when I started teaching. I was very out and open in college. I graduated and got my first job as teacher. In my first year, someone asked me to sponsor the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance). I was excited. So I went and told another teacher. They told me I couldn’t do it because for me it would be ‘career suicide’. I was told that ‘these types of things’ should be left to straight teachers with spouses and children. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to say. For the second time in my life, I felt scared because of my sexual orientation. So I did what any scared first year professional did, I took a step back, bowed my head, and did my job, which at the time didn’t include sponsoring the GSA. (don’t worry I did other things at the school to make up for it)

• What type of legislation do you think should be passed in the future to improve the  status of LGBT individuals in the US?

I would like to see our country take bullying more seriously in K-12 schools. The GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network) surveys LGBT+ teens in middle and high schools every other year. The numbers on perception of safety is still very low which correlates with the very high reports of LGBT+ teens experience physical, emotional, and verbal abuse by their peers and sometimes school staff. LGBT+ teens are more likely to be depressed, have suicidal thoughts, commit suicide, and abuse substances compared to non-LGBT+ teens. I would like to see our country take a step in ensuring the safety of EVERY student at school, a place where they spend 40 hours a week.

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