Queeries with Dan Hensley

I am Dan Hensley, born in Orlando in 1953. Although I only have two younger brothers in my immediate family, my mother and father had 9 brothers and sisters each.  I was the first grandchild on my mother’s side of the family and felt very loved and wanted. I attended Florida Atlantic University where I studied English Education and Theatre Arts and was a member of the Gay Academic Union, the first gay academic organization in Florida. I have lived in Denver, San Diego and San Francisco and moved back to Florida three years ago. I have worked as a costume designer and as an accountant and supervisor  for a department store, an environmental firm, a government contractor and a pharmaceutical research company. I have worked with gay community centers and gay rights organizations across the country.

 Coming Out

• ​​What was your coming out experience like? ​
  

I knew what being gay meant sexually from the time I was 11 and I knew that was me. But the first time I realized I could tell other people was right before I went to college. I walked into a local diner and the waitress asked me my name. I said, Dan Hensley and I just started working next door at the lumberyard. She said in what I thought was a really loud voice, “Well, MISS Hensley, what can I get for you?’. I was mortified to be outed that way. She and her mother and sister were all lesbians and they became my first openly gay friends. They took me to my first lesbian bar though I was under age and taught me to drink beer and play pool. I started coming out to other gay men and lesbians. Then in college I told all my friends when I started attending coming out meetings off campus that first year at my friend Joel’s.

• In what ways do you still have to “come out”? What was the hardest part of coming out?

I have always been out at work. So no problem there except for occasionally wondering if it stopped me from advancing further. It’s hardest to come out as a Christian to gay friends. Religion has oppressed the LGBTQ community for so long, it still contains a stigma for most in my community. I certainly knew that because my family are fundamentalists and still some of them think I am doing some horrible thing. They allow other Christians to hold other beliefs than theirs, but not me. It’s their homophobia but they don’t realize it and can’t grasp the concept. “Love the sinner but hate the sin.” is the biggest lie they tell themselves. And that phrase is an abomination to the Christian faith if you believe God Is love and Christ’s commandments.

• Were there people that surprised you with their reactions?

No one really surprised me as I never have really allowed other people’s opinions to sway me from things I know are true. Love is a great gift no matter how it is expressed. I have always been a good judge of people and knew my friends genuinely loved me. That makes it a lot easier.

• Was there any moment or person that helped you decide to come out?

I fell in love with Desi and because I could not express it out of fear, I lost him to someone else. That was the end of hiding as the cost of love was too high a price to pay for my fear.

• Do you feel different once you come out? How?

You definitely feel different. When you stop changing pronouns, stop lying about where you have been or who you are seeing, you start to realize that truth is a very powerful thing that transforms you. You stop feeling shame about other things and eventually I was free from unfounded shame (at least I think so). You also start being more honest in the intimate moments of your life. There is a lot of shame in our society about sex.

• What are some of the craziest questions you’ve ever been asked?

I once had a doctor ask me and my other half John “Who is the boy and who is the girl in your relationship?”. We had been together six years at that point and had not fallen into any roles. Although some people do play “roles”, I found it insulting.

• If you had the chance to give advice to yourself when you first came out, what would you say?

Come out  to your friends right away. If they are really your friends, they will understand.

Orientation and Gender Identity

•  What is your sexual orientation?

I am strictly gay. Although I had sex with men before college, I did experiment with a couple of women in college. I find it funny now that I get to say I experimented with heterosexuality in college. Ha!

• How did you discover your orientation?

It wasn’t sexual to start. It was romantic. I was 6 or so when I fell for an evangelist's son who was 16 or so. The church joked about my crush calling us “David and Jonathan”.

• What is your gender identity?

I am definitely male but wasted many years trying to prove how masculine I could be. I was slightly effeminate as a teenager and countered in my later years with growing a beard, joining a motorcycle club and becoming fixated on being physically fit.

• What does transgender mean to you?

It simply means having the brain of the opposite sex in the body you had when you were born. It manifests itself in many ways but it is physical. Although I am not transgendered, I really identify with the struggle. Someone who is transgendered can talk about this further as I am not an expert.

Acceptance

•     What are some of the biggest misconceptions you face?

Some people think that the LGBTQ community is predatory but just like in all society, there are only a few that are overtly predators. For a long time, my heterosexual male friends gave you the hug that was “guarded”. That’s changing so quickly. I think many people are starting to realize, everyone deserves affection and it is not that difficult for anyone to find a sexual partner these days.

• Have you tried to change your orientation in hopes of “fitting in”?

​ Once I was out, I was never going to do anything like that...EVER!

• How does prejudice manifest in your life on a regular basis whether covert or overt?

Name calling is common, but less so. Also, people think that as a gay male I must not like sports or like to participate in sports. When I was young, I was afraid of sports but now I love skiing, swimming & surfing and am a big baseball fan. But if the San Francisco Giants don’t have a better season next year, I may have to reconsider that.

• Do people treat you differently in casual interactions because of your orientation?

They don’t treat me that way. I am too head strong for it to occur. But I see it happen to other friends who are shyer and more likely to tolerate it.

•  Do you feel loved?

Absolutely. Everywhere I go I meet the most wonderful loving people. It is almost magical and I wish everyone could experience life the way I get to.

• Do you love yourself?

Just like everyone, I have areas of doubt. Most of mine are about my looks. But when it comes to who I am, I do love myself. I had the best life which happened because I said yes to many of the things that came my way without fear or shame. It changed me and made me make even bolder choices.

•  Have you noticed a difference between how people treat you before versus after you come out to them?

It's been a long time but very religious people tend to be slightly frightened or acted superior once I came out. I still face that with some close members of my family.

Family Life

• Are you out to your family? If so, how did it go? If not, what is preventing you from doing so?

 I came out early. My parents chose to ignore it. With their Pentecostal upbringing, they had no coping mechanism for an openly gay son, especially a really loud and proud one.
Other members of their religious affiliation would send their children to aversion therapy. I never faced that. It was a gradual process with my brothers. Being raised the way they were, it took a while. Now they seem comfortable, and I love them both and admire them. The rest of the family was a lot easier to deal with. They loved me like any black sheep of a southern family...Big Time! My Aunts were all Steel Magnolias and would never have put up with anyone in my family giving me a hard time.

• What is it like to raise a child while being a member of the LGBTQ+ community?

I have no children. It was not much of a choice for my generation. I would like to have had children but I had a great life and feel I helped many young people coming out. Those are my children.

Faith and Sexuality

•  How have you navigated religion as a part of the LGBTQ+ community?

Because of my upbringing, I immediately tried to resolve this. I read Troy Perry’s book, The Lord is My Shepherd and He Knows I’m Gay. I started attending local Metropolitan Community Churches and kept attending for many years. But the church held the concept that the parts of the Bible dealing with homosexuality were misinterpretations and the rest of the Bible was still Holy. I found that Christ’s life seems to contradict many things in the Bible and just started moving away from that concept.

• Do you feel like you’ve been able to embrace both your faith and LGBTQ+ identity?

I feel until I totally embraced who I was, I would never find the many purposes of my life and faith. I know that a wounded warrior cannot help another wounded warrior very easily. It is about allowing yourself to be a whole human being. If you need faith, you must completely find your place in faith. And this applies to everyone, not just the LGBTQ+ community.

•  What advice would you give to another LGBTQ+ individual that is navigating their sexual and/or gender identity and faith?

Find a community that allows you to be who God intended and where you feel comfortable and loved. Don’t fall for gimmicks or shortcuts to faith. Find true fellowship and people who question their faith the way you had to question your sexuality.

Rights and Opportunities

• Have you ever been shut out of an opportunity due to your orientation/identity?

I felt at my last job, although the owners were gay, I faced prejudice from a client they had. It hastened my being dismissed.  

• How has coming out affected your work or professional relationships?

The cliches about gay men have changed over the years. In the seventies and eighties, gay men were thought to party too much to focus on work. I generally reversed those opinions at work places as I am a workaholic. I climbed the corporate ladder but slowly. Now I face prejudice because of my age. Who knew?  

•  What rights do you lack?

The majority of rights are there for me as a gay men except I have no protection in the workplace in Florida. Transgender and fluid gender people still are having problems with bathroom privileges. Many heterosexuals think being bisexual means bisexuals are promiscuous but most maintain strictly monogamous relationships. But since I believe that there can be great love in open relationships (although difficult to navigate) this is a judgement that holds no value to me. But it isn’t just a matter of rights. It is a matter of changing attitudes. Recognizing each individual as that, a unique individual is basic to a society that allows growth and change. And fear can only be eliminated when more people are educated. Everyone should have the right to feel safe and protected in public, in government, in the workplace and in their home.

• What type of legislation do you think should be passed in the future to improve the status of LGBT individuals in the US?

There should be changes to equal employment laws to include the LGBTQ+ community. And there should also be laws guaranteeing individuals the access to bathrooms. Also, health issues specific to the LGBTQ+ community should be addressed legally. Lesbians face the most prejudice for their sexuality and being women.

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